Relationship Coaching is for couples, family members, friends, coworkers who are experiencing relationship issues or lack communication skills. One example is a person who is struggling to communicate with his or her boss; relationship coaching will help you learn to communicate with them in a productive way. Another example is having tension in the relationship with one's mother or mother in-law. It may be when there is a disagreement the tension is thick enough to cause unease. In addition, marriage relationships may need some relation coaching at times. These are examples of a relationship coach. The objective is to improve the relationship, or to help individuals create boundaries when the situation cannot be improved. Below is a list of some goals which can be achieved in relationship coaching.
For more information on family relationships: https://billygraham.org/story/billy-grahams-answers-love-marriage-relationships/
1. Write down what you want to say to the person before saying it.
Writing down your thoughts can clarify what you are wanting to say, and help you know how to say it. When a person is upset or hurting; it is easier to speak angrily; or allow something to come out of the mouth that one can only wish to take back later.
2. Reread to yourself, or to another trusted person, what you wrote before actually saying it to the person whom you want to speak with.
Rereading can help you determine whether you sound harsh, angry, judgmental, accusing or clear and assertive. The goal is to be clear in your needs and assertive in your approach.
3. Check your motives. What are you wanting to happen? Are you using manipulation to make it happen?
Manipulation does not work. It actually can cause anger or frustration for the other person, and he or she will feel controlled.
4. Check your expectations. What are you expecting from the other person? Are you expecting a certain response, or a certain outcome? What if you don't get the response you are wanting?
5. Take time to reflect on the things listed above before you proceed to have "the talk". This will help to work through feelings, thoughts and possible outcomes before the talk takes place.
6. Process the possible outcomes and prepare yourself prior to the talk. If you have expectations for a certain response and you receive the opposite, how will you handle it? Realize beforehand you may not get from the conversation what you are needing or wanting. Learn to process your feelings or expectations prior to the "talk".
7. Speak clearly and stay on the topic at hand when speaking to the person. When talking, make sure you understand first what you are trying to say. You can practice with another person to make sure you are clear in your goals and objective. If you don't understand what you are wanting to express; the other person will not understand it either. It will usually cause misunderstandings if you are not clear with your goals and needs.
8. Use I statements rather than, "When you do this or that" Replace it with "I feel used when you leave all the work for me to do, and then take credit for it".
9. Do not become argumentative. It does not go anywhere and will not produce results. If the other person is not listening or hearing what you are trying to convey, then stop the conversation politely.
10. Reassess how to express yourself differently, or reassess the misunderstandings, and try again another time. Trying to "prove" your point or becoming argumentative will not resolve the issues or make them better. It will only create resentments and other negative feelings.
Communication is of tremendous importance in relationships. It can be the difference between healthy relationships and toxic unhealthy relationships. Learning the tools to be effective, not only in your home environment, but in the work environment can mean the difference between stress, irritation and anger or peace.
1. Denying the problem: Ignoring a difficult situation, in a relationship, will not make it go away. Sweeping problems or issues under the rug does not resolve or fix the issue; in fact, it will actually make the situation become worse. When the Pharisees tried to trap Jesus in (Mark 12:18-27, Matthew 22:15 and several other places in the Bible), He did not ignore the problem, rather he addressed it with divine perfect wisdom.
2. Denying the truth or blatant lies in a relationship: An example is a spouse finding their husband or wife texting another man or women on the phone. When confronted, the guilty party denies it and says, "No I wasn't". Denying the truth doesn't make it not true. It just creates a lack of trust, and the other person will eventually figure out the relationship is based on lies. (John 8:32) teaches, “The truth shall set you free”. Lying only imprisons individuals and destroys families.
3. Inability to acknowledge one's own wrongdoing. The inability to be held accountable, or to admit one's wrongs is poison to the soul and the relationship. It is not fun to admit when we are wrong. It is not fun to have to say out loud, "I did something to break or harm my relationship". However, lying about the situation, or not accepting responsibility only perpetuates the problem. It will cause guilt, remorse, fear and even anger at yourself. To deny the truth with a lie will only further the destruction while living in falsehood (Psalm 32:5, Psalm 28:13). In addition, not admitting to wrongdoing does not hide the truth. It does not make it go away; the only way to be free, truly free is to admit the wrong.
Therefore, do not be afraid to admit your wrong doing. It will set you free from living a lie. It will also allow the relationship the chance to survive and heal. Yes, there may be pain, but not being honest or admitting the truth only magnifies the pain.
4. Blaming in a relationship: Blaming and pointing fingers in a relationship does not absolve the problem. All blaming does is make defenses go up and people shut down. Accountability is different than blaming. Accountability says there is a problem in his or her behavior or actions. Accountability helps to resolve the issues.
On the other hand, blaming states: “You are the problem and, it is all your fault”. Blaming points the finger at the other, but does not open the door for repentance or resolve. In Genesis 3 blaming did not resolve anything in the garden of Eden. Adam and Eve still had consequences for their actions, and blaming the other did not eliminate the consequences of their wrongs.
5. Attacking with Words: The old cliché “Sticks and stones may break my bones, but names will never hurt me” is a lie. Words are powerful and they bring life or death (Proverbs 18:12). Attacking words hurt and they do not bring life. Throwing words to hurt another person may feel better for a minute, but in the end they reap sorrow. It is human nature to feel the need to get back at someone who hurts another; however, it breaks the spirit and in the end it causes more pain and remorse.
6. Stonewalling: This happens when one or both people avoid the other person by refusing to answer questions, or being evasive in answers of questions asked. Again, this behavior does not resolve the issues; and, in the end it produces resentments. Stonewalling is based in fear of confrontation or checking out emotionally from the relationship.
Stonewalling is different than taking time away to think, or to process before answering. If time is needed to think things through or process them; let the other person know you need some time and will get back to them. In this way, it prevents stonewalling from taking place unintentionally.
7. Shutting Down: This behavior is used by many to protect themselves. It is another way to leave the relationship emotionally. However, shutting down is like locking the problem in your heart, and living in prison from it. It prevents a resolution or a solution to the problem. It can cause depression, anxiety and stress.
Shutting down takes place many times when an individual feels hopeless or defeated in the problem. It can happen if a person feels they have no other control in the situation. However, you do have more control than you may know. You can take the issue to God in prayer, and look for solutions.
8. Turning to flirtation to stop the pain: Bringing other people into your relationship through text, internet, Facebook, meeting in person is (flirting with disaster). When individuals do this in order to stop the pain in a relationship, it will only cause substantial issues, and does not fix the problem. Many people today feel this is acceptable behavior. However, I can tell you from being a counselor for many many years, this never works out well. It causes tremendous pain, hurt, stress and tearing apart of families. There are better ways to stop the pain.
If you need help please contact our office as we can provide resources and counseling or coaching online to help you.